Masscrastination

Every caddy at a local, never going to be a U.S. Open, golf course dreams of the day they get to loop for a group with a celebrity in it.  After my wisdom teeth caused me to miss taking the bag for Tom “3 Handicap” Brady, the closest I have come to jocking for a celebrity is fore-caddying for local sports broadcaster Sean McDonough. And yes, I am including this weekend, when the team I was bagging for played – and beat – Roger “Right Hook” Clemens after two holes of a shootout.

After bumping into Clemens throughout the three day tournament, and then looping in his group for the shootout, I can tell you this:

• Clemens wore University of Texas hats that matched his golf bag every day except the first day, when I was floored to see him in a Red Sox hat.  Possibly even worse, his partner who invited him to play the tourney, owns Twins Enterprises AKA the Yawkey Way Souvenir Store.
• Clemens looks and talks like any redneck that you would meet from Texas; seriously, the guy belongs on King of the Hill.
• Now that he’s off the juice he’s much smaller, and from what he says he can only throw around 90 these days.
• I have to call his golf skills into question, not only was he all over the right side every time I saw him, he also pulled out a range finder from within 60 yards of the pin (I guess Papi isn’t sharing his HGH eye drops)

P.S. Rocket’s handicap was 4. In other words, he’s just another person Tom Brady is better than.  But of course, we already knew that.

-Nacho