Masscrastination

I attended last night’s NBA draft and decided to steal a page out of Bill Simmons’ playbook.  I didn’t know what to expect and now I can’t wait to go back next year.  Here is a running diary of the events that occurred…

6:30-7: Just met up with two friends (J.D. and Donny) and head to Brother Jimmy’s for a few pre-game drinks. The friend who got me the ticket told me we may be going to an exclusive pregame party. Apparently we aren’t. Instead I find myself drinking 16 oz. PBRs and salivating over a BBQ pulled pork sandwich.

7:00: WaMu Theatre is very nice. Beer prices are outrageous but thank God I got a New York Knicks collector’s cup. Seats are perfect. Centered, aisle, first row of section. There seems to be assigned seats. There’s the degenerate Knicks and Nets fan seats. The “I just bought this jersey yesterday to get on TV” seats. We are in the corporate seats; I hope this doesn’t mean we can’t get rowdy.

7:02: Stuart Scott, Mark Jackson, Jeff Van Gundy, and Jay Bilas are here. I’m pissed Stephen A. Smith wasn’t asked to work. JVG would have set the record for most indescribable facial expressions.

More After The Jump

7:15-7:30: There’s a woman walking up and down every aisle wearing a bridal dress with signs taped all over her. She’s wearing a tiara and looks exactly like Hogan’s ex-wife right down to bust size. Fitting she has a sign that reads “Pick Me: Rubustio Rubio.” The heckling begins. I wish they were serving cotton candy because I would’ve bought her one. My buddy J.D. simply yells at her “Go Home.” Her response… “I’ve raised thousands of dollars for the military.” Really? … America.

7:30: David Stern walks up to the mic and says welcome to MSG, the home of the Knicks and the Liberty. When can the WNBA give up the slogan “We Got Next”? You’ve had next for over a decade now. No moment of silence for MJ? I’m displeased. The Clips take Griffin. Potential starting 5 of B Diddy, Gordon, Thornton, Griffin, and Camby. I want to play with them in NBA Live 2010.

7:40-8:00: Picks are every five minutes which means you can’t go to the bathroom. I almost pee’d myself three times. In between picks I shout “RESUME” to anyone who is wearing an NBA photo ID. Probably not the best way to network.

You can feel the tension rising as its getting closer to the Knicks pick. Thabeet goes No. 2 to the Grizzlies. Sidenote here: Donny’s buddy copyrighted “Feel Tha-Beet”. Is it even worth it to copyright that slogan?

Harden goes No. 3 and gets a ton of boos. Dick Vitale comes on to discuss picks and talk about the college players. Everyone is booing Vitale. This boggles my mind. Why is he getting booed? Of course he wants these guys to stay in college. He doesn’t work NBA games. He wants to watch these guys, I can’t blame him. The “One and Done” rule is a debate for another time.

Evans goes 4 to the Kings. I think he will win ROY. Great pick. Sidenote: When watching the draft at home I always thought the players hold up jerseys and are on stage for like 5 minutes. This is not the case. They are on stage for maybe 15 seconds for pictures.

8:00-8:15: EVERYONE is analyzing the Knicks situation. They pick at 8 and Curry, Flynn, and Rubio are all on the board. It seems very likely they will end up with one of them.

Rubio gets picked at No. 5. The crowd was going wild. Everyone here must love the Jonas Brothers. I honestly did see a few teenage girls here. He looked like a boy on stage; I know he’s only 18 but still. Can he even grow facial hair?

8:20: Flynn goes No. 6. He has the most ‘swag’ out of any of these guys. You can tell he’s going to have an AWESOME time at the after party. Everyone is now going nuts because they realize Curry is most likely going to fall to them. You can feel how excited this place is.

8:31: Curry gets picked No. 7. Gulp. It’s like someone came in with a machine gun and just started shooting. Knicks wind up taking Jordan Hill at No. 8.

8:35-8:55: Perfect time for a bathroom break. All I hear is crying. “I’m becoming a Nets fan.” Wahhhhhh. As I walk out of the bathroom Curry is walking up the stairs. There’s a roped off section for the players and camera crews. I hear shouts of “It’s not your fault, Steph.” And “ We still love you.” He just kind of tips his hat and lowers his head. You can feel the disappointment and I honestly feel sorry for Knicks fans. They had him. Everything was lined up. I expect David Kahn (Minnesota’s GM) to be on top of every Knicks fans hit list.

9:00-9:30: Unbelievable turn of events here just as the draft was becoming dull. The Suns drafted Earl Clark with the No. 14 pick. David Stern states that Earl Clark is not here tonight, but guess who is? Brandon Jennings (Jennings was picked No. 10 by the Bucks). Jennings comes out on stage and the crowd goes absolutely nuts. I have never seen anything like this. He basically comes out two-stepping his way to David Stern. He’s loving the crowd and the crowd is loving him.

Where could he have been? We joke that he was hanging out in the ESPN Zone’s bathroom down the street and ran over as soon as he got drafted. He just randomly shows up four picks later? If he planned this, he’s a genius. ‘I’ll just show up late and get the crowd real fired up.’ He should’ve come out with a t-shirt gun.

Donny informs us that his brother works for DIME magazine and they have a huge party for the event. Apparently there’s an open bar, free food, and a barber to give the players shape-ups. I’m not kidding.

9:40-9:50: We’re bored. I’m praying that Stern comes out and announces that Jeff Teague is not here…but guess who is… BRANDON JENNINGS! Unfortunately this doesn’t happen. But I wish he came out every 6 picks or so. If Jennings doesn’t make it in the NBA he should join the cast of the Road Rules/Real World and host events at bars all over the country. He’d kill.

9:55: I forget which player it is but ESPN runs a panel that says…Must Improve: Athleticism. How do you improve your athleticism? J.D. and I agree this player must now take up Yoga.

Shaq does a phone interview with the panel. I try to hear what he’s saying, but it’s virtually impossible. Donny insists that you can get away with anything if you end it with “Can You Dig It?” Try it. I’m now convinced Donte Stallworth did this.

10:00-11:00: We leave the draft and don’t end up at the DIME magazine party. Shocker. I’ll get a fresh cut next weekend I guess. Anyway, we wind up at this bar called Foley’s on 33rd just east of the Garden. This bar is perfect for sports fans. They have a ton of sports memorabilia everywhere. I found the actual scorecard from Game 6 of the ’86 World Series (the Buckner game). After bare handing a plate of Nachos I head to the bathroom to take a piss. Even the bathroom is covered in sports magazines and newspaper clippings. Then came the moment I will remember forever…

This moment is the creepiest/coolest/strangest moment in my life. I’m standing there peeing at in the urinal when I look over my right shoulder. It’s Don Zimmer. Well it’s a FatHead of Don Zimmer staring at me. Life size. He’s staring right over my urinal and looking into my eyes. I finish up fast.

11:30: We are about to leave the bar. The draft is about over and there’s no food left on my plate. J.D. informs me that another mutual friend will not be meeting us at the bar…but guess who is….BRANDON JENNINGS! Damnit. He’s not either. Time to go home

-Ryter