Masscrastination

Let me start off by saying that I started writing this right after Arod’s homerun in the 7^th last night that gave the Yankee’s a 1-0 lead. “The Girls of Summer” seemed like an appropriate title. Then, after an 8^th inning Victor Martinez big fly, I changed the title to “The Man Who Saved New England”, which was a gush piece about the newly acquired 1B/C.

To make a long story short, we’re back to “The Girls of Summer”.

I guess that’s just how the season has been going.

The 2009 campaign can’t even be described as a rollercoaster ride. A rollercoaster has its extreme highs and lows, and I can’t remember any high-high enough in the season to justify it. It has been more like a carousel ride: around, and around, and around. In the end, you wonder what the hell you just wasted minutes of your life on.

We have seen enough winning in this town in the past decade to be qualified to make an assessment on what teams are championship-worthy. SPOILER ALERT: This team, as it stands today, is not.

I remember Todd Walker’s 3-run, game tying home run with two outs and a full count in the 9th against Baltimore in 2003. Then Ortiz came up in the 10^th and sent everyone home. That team didn’t win the World Series, but they very well could have had Aaron Boone not ended their season prematurely.

I remember the 2004 Bill Mueller’s walk off home run courtesy of Mo Rivera on the same day that the late Jason Variety punched Alex Rodriguez in the face. This was just one of the memorable comeback wins for the eventual champs.

I remember a specific David Ortiz walk-off home run against the Phillies in 2006 that wasn’t even excited as it was expected. That team didn’t go all the way, but they were not more than a piece away.

I remember the 2007 Championship season when Ortiz crushed another walk-off against Tampa Bay with two outs in the 9^th.

The point is, when you are a championship team, you need a little destiny to help you along the way. It doesn’t have to be every night, it doesn’t even have to be more than once. You just need one of those quirky, rabbit out of the hat, ‘how did they pull out that game’ wins. This team doesn’t have it. Save for a Nick Green embarrassing walk off that would have won the “Worst Win of the Year” award if not for Luis Castillo’s dropped popup in the Bronx. The 2009 Red Sox have yet to produce a memorable victory. In fact, the most memorable part of this season was Nomar’s return. Yikes.

This team is the antithesis of what has made the Red Sox the Red Sox for the past seven seasons. The only evidence you needed of this was seeing the Yankee’s bench last night. They were loose, smiling, and it reflected on the field. Actually, they were one Kevin Millar and 25 shots of JD away from resembling the 2004 Sox.

I don’t know how this one plays out, but I will say this much: something has to change. This team needs a shake up, and that doesn’t necessarily mean a roster move. A bench-clearing brawl, a 5-run 9^th inning comeback, someone taking Jason Varitek in a back ally and going all “Old Yeller” on him. Anything. Before it is too late.

Some Quick Hitters From This Weekends Sweep

Nick Swisher

I counted four times this series where he thought he had drawn a walk only to be called back to the plate by the umpire. At what point do you realize that’s not a good move? Did he injure his brain during one of those 40,000 unnecessary diving catches in right field?

Daniel Bard

Honestly, I don’t mind Bard’s meltdown last night. Trial by fire, I guess. At some point he has to blow a game and learn how to move on from it. You don’t quite get that kick in the guy experience like you do when you blow a game in Yankee stadium. He is either going to rebound for the better, or fade away like Craig Hansen. Either way, we will get a good judge of character from last night.

No Beef?

I found it unfathomable that Red sox didn’t hit someone in this series (besides Ramon Ramirez late in Saturdays game that wasn’t intentional). If I was Bard after the back-to-back homeruns last night, Arod was getting hit harder than a Patrick Kane cab driver. At some point you have to save face. I was surprised no one wanted to step up.

Don’t Blame It On The Ram

People like to point to the loss of Manny Ramirez as the reason for the Sox lack of offensive production this season.  In reality, the Red Sox lost Manny AND Ortiz this season. Honestly, how can you produce with those two guys out of your lineup? Ortiz is putting up Kevin Millar numbers this season minus the foul home runs. If Ortiz was the Ortiz of old this season, the Red Sox would not be struggling like this.

A Missed Opportunity

If I was Victor Martinez, I would have given the New York faithful a curtain call after that home run in the 8^th last night. How cool would that have been? Sarcastically waiving his helmet from the top step of the dugout. Yankee fans throwing $18 glasses of red wine at him. Mike Lupica crying next Sunday on The Sports Reporters, “This…type…of…behavior…is…not…acceptable.” When opportunity knocks, you have to answer.

Winning The Lottery

You don’t waste a Jonathan David Drew three hit game. End of story.

Hard To Watch

Anyone see the double play Lowell grounded into in the 7^th inning on Saturday? Good god. Jeter stepped on second—had to do his signature jump-throw because of a sliding Youkilis—realized in mid air that grandma Lowell’s hip was running down the line—landed (in basketball we would call this an ‘up-and-down’)—and threw to first with no momentum in time to get Lowell. It was sad. Like, watching that golden retriever try to get up the porch steps at the end of Marley and Me sad. If you see Owen Wilson hanging around the Red Sox clubhouse this week prepare yourself for the worst and remember—all dogs go to heaven.

Speaking of the AARP

Jason Varitek is not a professional baseball player. I spent 10 minutes trying to think of a way to phrase that differently and still ended with that. Here’s an idea to save his reputation: Hold a pregame ceremony, take off your jersey with the unworthy captain “C” on it, and hand it to Becket like Bourque to Esposito. I get chills just thinking about it.

Ortiz Steroid Press Conference:

I cannot stress this enough. I don’t care. Nobody cares. People pretend they care, but deep down nobody cares. Let’s stop pretending that baseball is more than a game. That’s Ken Burn’s job. Move along now. Nothing to see here.

Bronx Blowhards

Yankee fans are hypocrites for booing Ortiz. It’s like they all have AID’s and are asking people to wear condoms. Take a look in the mirror you couuffie-drinkin’ dirtbags. You invented the steroid era. The Large Father was just trying to keep up.

I Hate Baseball

Actually, I just miss football. I even busted out the old Madden 2006 today for a quarter until I realized the whole unemployed—living in your parents house—playing video games thing was kind of cliché.

-Casey